Baby Adventure 2011!

One year and one week ago we celebrated baby adventure 2010. This time we have the sequel; "baby adventure 2011". The circumstances are a bit different this time so this will be part one of a series, it also means that a lot of details will be left out for the time being.

Unfortunately I was not there for the actual birth of this one. In fact none of us were really ready. My little sister had some pains, went to the hospital because her back hurt and one hour later without any drugs, shot out a little present from God. Yes thats right, she had her second child at 19 without any drugs or painkillers and all alone. Instead of my brother Nathan being here for all the commotion my sister Rachel decided she would be my wingman.

Even though my sister is not a burn victim she went to St. Joe hospital to have her next son. There is something off about that hospital. Everything seems so sad and depressing there. Before you ask, I actually enjoy being inside hospitals and even I thought something was weird. Its a Lutheran owned catholic hospital, which makes my head hurt just thinking about it. The place feels like even God himself would not visit the place, as it is too depressing.

So enough about that, here are the pictures.

Im not sure which is worse: black trash or white trash.

I recently had the opportunity to attend a "job fair" here in the great city of Fort Wayne. I have never been to a job fair so maybe my expectations were a bit off. In my head a job fair is a neat place where employees have the chance to meet multiple employers and it gives the chance for an employer to interview a large number of candidates. Boy was I wrong...

Job fairs attract the worst kind of people: poor people. I felt like I was in new jersey the entire time I was there. One thing I have noticed after working inside a mall is that gross people get a raging hard-on at the thought of meeting a lot of employers and not having to do much legwork. This happens to be the same with job fairs. I have had the opportunity to interview people and I am going to be honest... if 90 percent of the people that I saw today came in to me for an interview I would tear up their resume (if they even had one) and tell them to leave.

I can understand that some people are in fact ugly and poor. That does not mean you should come smelling like dead puppies.

So anyways, I get to this place and there is a line about 30 people long all smelling gross and looking terrible. Some were obviously cracked out on meth. We all waited in a single file line for our turn to be drilled with questions. It looked like pigs being led to the slaughter house. So they bring us in like 4 at a time and start asking us all questions. I would have never guessed people would have the balls to swear during an interview.

When I see these reports about unemployment being at an all time high I honestly thought man there are not many jobs to go around. While that is true for some people, the majority of these people who are unemployed are like that because they write poor resume's or they interview terribly. The best part about it is that when they tank these interviews they just assume that foreigners took their jobs or that the employer is racist. If any thing you have a better chance of employment if your black. (affirmative action skeet skeet!)

I guess what I am trying to say is that when you fill out an application always say your black. Yes, it works for college applications too. Me on the other hand, I always have to choose the "other" box...

It's his party and he will cry if he wants to.

Today is a very special day everyone. This is the 1 year anniversary of "baby adventure 2010" (the sequel "baby adventure 2011" is coming at the beginning of next month). Yes, your math is right, it is the one year anniversary of the day my nephew was born.

I promised myself I would never be "that guy". You know the one who wont shut up about their kids. I promised myself because 1). He is not my son. 2). No one cares. Since I am a cocky devil I realized that yes people care about my nephew. No that does not mean that anyone wants to see your baby's first poo on Facebook.

Luckly I was able to shoot a couple of pictures of the party and some videos...

 

  

 

It was hard to get a good video because he was constantly surrounded by little girls. For some reason girls under the age of 13 have a weird obsession with babies. Now that I think about it, all girls have a weird obsession with babies. One of the young girls asked if she could stuff cake in JaRons mouth since "he was not eating it right". 

It seems just like yesterday we were all at the hospital, shocked that black babies come out white. 

Yes, my farts do smell amazing.

Being in the festive spirit, I have decided to talk about valentines day as my topic. Specifically how it is the worst holiday ever. "Adam you must hate valentines day because no one loves you" your probably thinking. Believe it or not people do like me, I am also betting that more people like me then they will ever like you, but thats a different whale altogether. I don't like valentines day because it is a pointless holiday. Yes, its more worthless than Kwanzaa. What do we even celebrate? Being in love is a gift on its own, why would we need a holiday for that? Its a huge "I am in a relationship" circle jerk. Its the equivalent of eating at golden corral in celebration that your overweight. Its also about getting bad gifts.

Now, I know your thinking that you get more at Christmas time but that is not really the case. When you are in grade school does everyone exchange Christmas gifts? No. Everyone does however give valentines to every other child in the class. When we grow older the worse it becomes. If I get my significant other a bad Christmas gift she can't complain because after all "its all about giving than receiving" or "its Jesus' birthday why should you get his presents".

Do you like taking presents from Jesus?

With valentines day if I give a bad gift it is because I don't love someone hard enough. That or I didn't listen to all the suggestions that people offered me. PROTIP: If I can't remember when my own birthday is how do you expect me to know what crappy dvd you want? Everyone has the same gift giving technique too, it consists of "they better spend more money on me than I did on them."

Another problem I have with this holiday is somehow there seems to be more chocolate on valentines day then on easter. This becomes a problem when everyone has chocolate breath. Here is a fun tip, no one wants to kiss you when your mouth is brown from chocolate. Aborting normal foods by dipping them in chocolate is unacceptable. It takes a sick person to take something beautiful and healthy like a strawberry and then drowning it in a sea of brown filth.

So when you off enjoying the rest of your valentines day make sure you realize... you could be saving money by dumping your significant other.

Happy Valentines day.

Confessions of a store mascot.

Working retail is always an interesting job. You get to meet weird people, you can give your self daily sales challenge, but recently I found out about another side of it; being a corporate mascot.

While I enjoy being the face of a large company, there are many things about it that most people don't realize.

Most mascots are not allowed to talk since it breaks the allusion. People don't realize this so they attempt to carry on full conversations with me and are offended that I say nothing back to them. Its almost like I am a guard at Buckingham palace. Its the most frustrating when teenagers talk trash to me and I can't put them in their place. Jokes on them though since I'm being paid and they aren't. Speaking of teenagers nothing is worse than being beat up in front of people. Today for example 4 teens back to back punched me squarely in the nuts though the outfit. Parents and kids alike all pointed and laughed as I writhed in pain. PRO-TIP for parents: Beat your teenager.

Because of lawsuits I'm not allowed to make much contact with people. So, not only can I not hug you but when mothers and fathers try to give me their terrified children for a picture, I can't hold them. Speaking of screaming children, I don't understand what possesses parents to force their crying kids to come try and hug me. The kid is terrified so you repeatedly telling your kid that I wont eat them does nothing. The worse is when there is a large crowd and the white trash mom in the back yells "It's OK, its just a man in an outfit!!!" I know its a big day for you not being in new haven but please trailer trash, have some self respect!

Apart from waving at people who walk by, the rest of my time is posing for photos. Here's a fun fact 4 out of 5 people don't know how to use their cameras. When there is a long line of people waiting its a tiny bit rude to stand there for 2 minutes while you figure out how to take a picture.

Also if your kids under 2 his attention span is about 30 seconds, which means when you say "say cheese and smile at mommy", the fruit of your loins is looking off into space. That does not mean you should take up another 2 minutes giving your kid modeling tips. And while we are on the topic, your newborn baby doesn't care about me, period. Every time a stroller comes to me the exact same scene plays out:

Parents to newborn: "Look baby look at that giraffe!"

Newborn poops himself

Parents: "no, baby look, look at him!"

Newborn again has no care.

Parents take out newborn and try to rub him against me so he/she feels my fur

Parents "omg he is like whats going on here, isn't he so cute!"

END SCENE

One thing I've noticed is how every parent thinks their kid is just the cutest thing ever. Which means when the kid is pulling my tail or trying to climb up my neck the parents just laugh and assure me that their kid is better then the well behaved kids.

Also Asians respond the best to costumes, I'm not sure why but they get more excited than the children. It probably reminds them of Godzilla or something.

And finally 5/5 attention whores will scream when they see me and go "OMG WTF IS THAT I'M SO SCARED" and will proceed to run around just like when they found out they have gonorrhea. Really mam, your 26 years old, compose yourself. Your 5 kids are doing just fine.

I've also noticed 5/5 teenage girls who take a picture with me act like idiots."Omg i'm such a dork right now, and omg can I have a big hug I like looove giraffes!" Really hunny, congrats on growing boobs and having a period now move aside and let the kids meet me. On top of that if corporate saw me hugging a bunch of whores I'll be fired!

At the end of the day however, I really do brighten up a lot of kids days, and seeing them smile is what keeps me from passing out from heat exhaustion.

The shady business man.

So I was working yesterday minding my own business when a customer came in. He was asking questions about certain toys and I answered all of his questions with ease. (like always) He then tells me I am a great salesman (surprise surprise) and he then initiates a conversation with me. He asked me what I am doing with my life and about my retail experience. He then smiles and says you know I own a business development firm and we are looking for bright young minds like yourself. I was all like omg no way! He then says would you be interested in talking to me more tomorrow? I say sure why not. He gives me his business card and tells me to meet him at the barnes and noble at the mall at two. I ask him before he leaves exactly what he does and he says we work with fortune 500 companies and small business owners attract customers and expand their business.

By looking at his business card some red flags already popped up. Instead of his full name he has his nickname on the card. On top of that the address listed is his home address. I looked up the business and the only thing I could find out about the company was this. The awesome guys at ilictronix said that he was probably buffalo bill and I would get murdered. I decided that I was bored enough, so I decided to meet with him.

So I meet him at the cafe section and we shake hands, only his handshake was like a dead fish, limp, cold and wet.

He then asks what I do in my free time. I couldn't tell him the truth because that would just be too sad so I told him I was into extreme sports like skydiving and rock climbing. Impressed he said you sound like a goal oriented person. Jokingly I said of course but does anyone say that they aren't? He doesn't laugh; instead he just stares at me. He then says well how would you like to make some extra money? I said of course I do! He then pulls up this awful PowerPoint and shows me pictures of nice houses and cars and says what would you buy if everything here costs 1$. I responded by saying well I don't think we would have nice cars and houses if they all cost 1$ no one would take the time to make them because they have no value. He then says "Adam we don't have room for cynics in this business" I apologized and asked him to continue.

He then says how would you like to make x amount of dollars? (I forget the exact number he told me) I said well that would be great but I'm a little curious about the steps to get there. He fires back with a "Adam we also don't need cynics in our company either" I apologized and asked him to continue. He promised me that by the time he was done I would have no other questions and that it was rude of me to ask anything to begin with. I said "fine show me what you have"

For the next hour he talked to me about e-commerce and how it works, and how its different from brick and mortar stores. He then tells me all the big businesses that his company works with and how if he buys enough product from these places he gets paid some money. He then switches gears and talks about how if I pay 170 I can be certified by his company and start businesses and help businesses on my own and I will be paid more money.

He was a master of talking for a long time without talking about anything at all.

After his whole presentation was up he said ok what did you think? And I said "honestly man there no real business plan here, this is like poorly executed ponzi scheme. you talked about e-commerce which had nothing to do with anything and then switched between being a group of consumers and door to door salesman. I'm I just don't understand what you do when you say you start and help businesses"

With ice cold eyes he stares at me and says "you know if you don't get what we do after all of this then your not smart enough to 1) understand how our business works 2) understand how the economy or any business works. We don't want someone like you with us." He then slams his laptop down on the table gives me the middle finger and says "f*&# you" and walks away.

At this time all the people at the cafe started to applaud me and one lady says "Its refreshing to see people not be swayed by that, I'm proud of you" she then bought me a coffee.

Sitting here now I still have no idea what he was even trying to sell me.

UPDATE: I remember one of the coporations this company is under and the name of it is Alticor...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ot31XhgE_XE

The worst dinner ever.....

I was bored today so I decided to go to my parents to enjoy a nice meal. Little did I know that they would be having company over. Being a pastors son I know how to work all sorts of dinners potlucks etc. This one meal really took the cake in my opinion. The guests were a previous meth head my parents counseled in Vincennes and his family.

I was one one end of the table and going counter clockwise from me was my little brother Noah, my mother, meth heads mother, my dad, meth head, meth heads aunt, and meth heads daughter. First off meth heads daughter was fugly, with the weirdest tattoo I have ever seen. Now I do not fully understand the appeal of tattoos but this one took the cake, it was a red medical cross with type one diabetes in a circle around it. It was in a very fancy cursive font normally reserved for mothers tattooing their kids names on them. Her body was also in the rare square type... she reminded me of Spongebob square pants. She also was rubbing my leg with her foot...I then started to ignore her. She then proceeded to tell me stories about anything and everything, even though I was not responding or looking at her. She then tried to get my attention by mentioning that she turns 18 in a week, I could see her winking at me in the corner of my eye as she told me that.

Meth heads aunt was talking about the Taliban and how much they hate our freedom the entire meal.

Meth head himself was talking to the wall about his travels as a truck driver... He might of been talking to one of us but none of us were paying any attention so I don't know.

Meth heads mom decided to tell us the history of Jack London and the books he has written. She talked about him like they were teenage lovers. She also told stories of how her father drowned. During desert her and my father had a "who takes more medication" pissing contest. I'm not sure who won really, my money is on the drug companies.

Out of all the people I could've seen from Vincennes it had to be a meth head and his weird family.