While I enjoy being the face of a large company, there are many things about it that most people don't realize.
Most mascots are not allowed to talk since it breaks the allusion. People don't realize this so they attempt to carry on full conversations with me and are offended that I say nothing back to them. Its almost like I am a guard at Buckingham palace. Its the most frustrating when teenagers talk trash to me and I can't put them in their place. Jokes on them though since I'm being paid and they aren't. Speaking of teenagers nothing is worse than being beat up in front of people. Today for example 4 teens back to back punched me squarely in the nuts though the outfit. Parents and kids alike all pointed and laughed as I writhed in pain. PRO-TIP for parents: Beat your teenager.
Because of lawsuits I'm not allowed to make much contact with people. So, not only can I not hug you but when mothers and fathers try to give me their terrified children for a picture, I can't hold them. Speaking of screaming children, I don't understand what possesses parents to force their crying kids to come try and hug me. The kid is terrified so you repeatedly telling your kid that I wont eat them does nothing. The worse is when there is a large crowd and the white trash mom in the back yells "It's OK, its just a man in an outfit!!!" I know its a big day for you not being in new haven but please trailer trash, have some self respect!
Apart from waving at people who walk by, the rest of my time is posing for photos. Here's a fun fact 4 out of 5 people don't know how to use their cameras. When there is a long line of people waiting its a tiny bit rude to stand there for 2 minutes while you figure out how to take a picture.
Also if your kids under 2 his attention span is about 30 seconds, which means when you say "say cheese and smile at mommy", the fruit of your loins is looking off into space. That does not mean you should take up another 2 minutes giving your kid modeling tips. And while we are on the topic, your newborn baby doesn't care about me, period. Every time a stroller comes to me the exact same scene plays out:
Parents to newborn: "Look baby look at that giraffe!"
Newborn poops himself
Parents: "no, baby look, look at him!"
Newborn again has no care.
Parents take out newborn and try to rub him against me so he/she feels my fur
Parents "omg he is like whats going on here, isn't he so cute!"
END SCENE
One thing I've noticed is how every parent thinks their kid is just the cutest thing ever. Which means when the kid is pulling my tail or trying to climb up my neck the parents just laugh and assure me that their kid is better then the well behaved kids.
Also Asians respond the best to costumes, I'm not sure why but they get more excited than the children. It probably reminds them of Godzilla or something.
And finally 5/5 attention whores will scream when they see me and go "OMG WTF IS THAT I'M SO SCARED" and will proceed to run around just like when they found out they have gonorrhea. Really mam, your 26 years old, compose yourself. Your 5 kids are doing just fine.
I've also noticed 5/5 teenage girls who take a picture with me act like idiots."Omg i'm such a dork right now, and omg can I have a big hug I like looove giraffes!" Really hunny, congrats on growing boobs and having a period now move aside and let the kids meet me. On top of that if corporate saw me hugging a bunch of whores I'll be fired!
At the end of the day however, I really do brighten up a lot of kids days, and seeing them smile is what keeps me from passing out from heat exhaustion.
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