Confessions of a store mascot.

Working retail is always an interesting job. You get to meet weird people, you can give your self daily sales challenge, but recently I found out about another side of it; being a corporate mascot.

While I enjoy being the face of a large company, there are many things about it that most people don't realize.

Most mascots are not allowed to talk since it breaks the allusion. People don't realize this so they attempt to carry on full conversations with me and are offended that I say nothing back to them. Its almost like I am a guard at Buckingham palace. Its the most frustrating when teenagers talk trash to me and I can't put them in their place. Jokes on them though since I'm being paid and they aren't. Speaking of teenagers nothing is worse than being beat up in front of people. Today for example 4 teens back to back punched me squarely in the nuts though the outfit. Parents and kids alike all pointed and laughed as I writhed in pain. PRO-TIP for parents: Beat your teenager.

Because of lawsuits I'm not allowed to make much contact with people. So, not only can I not hug you but when mothers and fathers try to give me their terrified children for a picture, I can't hold them. Speaking of screaming children, I don't understand what possesses parents to force their crying kids to come try and hug me. The kid is terrified so you repeatedly telling your kid that I wont eat them does nothing. The worse is when there is a large crowd and the white trash mom in the back yells "It's OK, its just a man in an outfit!!!" I know its a big day for you not being in new haven but please trailer trash, have some self respect!

Apart from waving at people who walk by, the rest of my time is posing for photos. Here's a fun fact 4 out of 5 people don't know how to use their cameras. When there is a long line of people waiting its a tiny bit rude to stand there for 2 minutes while you figure out how to take a picture.

Also if your kids under 2 his attention span is about 30 seconds, which means when you say "say cheese and smile at mommy", the fruit of your loins is looking off into space. That does not mean you should take up another 2 minutes giving your kid modeling tips. And while we are on the topic, your newborn baby doesn't care about me, period. Every time a stroller comes to me the exact same scene plays out:

Parents to newborn: "Look baby look at that giraffe!"

Newborn poops himself

Parents: "no, baby look, look at him!"

Newborn again has no care.

Parents take out newborn and try to rub him against me so he/she feels my fur

Parents "omg he is like whats going on here, isn't he so cute!"

END SCENE

One thing I've noticed is how every parent thinks their kid is just the cutest thing ever. Which means when the kid is pulling my tail or trying to climb up my neck the parents just laugh and assure me that their kid is better then the well behaved kids.

Also Asians respond the best to costumes, I'm not sure why but they get more excited than the children. It probably reminds them of Godzilla or something.

And finally 5/5 attention whores will scream when they see me and go "OMG WTF IS THAT I'M SO SCARED" and will proceed to run around just like when they found out they have gonorrhea. Really mam, your 26 years old, compose yourself. Your 5 kids are doing just fine.

I've also noticed 5/5 teenage girls who take a picture with me act like idiots."Omg i'm such a dork right now, and omg can I have a big hug I like looove giraffes!" Really hunny, congrats on growing boobs and having a period now move aside and let the kids meet me. On top of that if corporate saw me hugging a bunch of whores I'll be fired!

At the end of the day however, I really do brighten up a lot of kids days, and seeing them smile is what keeps me from passing out from heat exhaustion.

The shady business man.

So I was working yesterday minding my own business when a customer came in. He was asking questions about certain toys and I answered all of his questions with ease. (like always) He then tells me I am a great salesman (surprise surprise) and he then initiates a conversation with me. He asked me what I am doing with my life and about my retail experience. He then smiles and says you know I own a business development firm and we are looking for bright young minds like yourself. I was all like omg no way! He then says would you be interested in talking to me more tomorrow? I say sure why not. He gives me his business card and tells me to meet him at the barnes and noble at the mall at two. I ask him before he leaves exactly what he does and he says we work with fortune 500 companies and small business owners attract customers and expand their business.

By looking at his business card some red flags already popped up. Instead of his full name he has his nickname on the card. On top of that the address listed is his home address. I looked up the business and the only thing I could find out about the company was this. The awesome guys at ilictronix said that he was probably buffalo bill and I would get murdered. I decided that I was bored enough, so I decided to meet with him.

So I meet him at the cafe section and we shake hands, only his handshake was like a dead fish, limp, cold and wet.

He then asks what I do in my free time. I couldn't tell him the truth because that would just be too sad so I told him I was into extreme sports like skydiving and rock climbing. Impressed he said you sound like a goal oriented person. Jokingly I said of course but does anyone say that they aren't? He doesn't laugh; instead he just stares at me. He then says well how would you like to make some extra money? I said of course I do! He then pulls up this awful PowerPoint and shows me pictures of nice houses and cars and says what would you buy if everything here costs 1$. I responded by saying well I don't think we would have nice cars and houses if they all cost 1$ no one would take the time to make them because they have no value. He then says "Adam we don't have room for cynics in this business" I apologized and asked him to continue.

He then says how would you like to make x amount of dollars? (I forget the exact number he told me) I said well that would be great but I'm a little curious about the steps to get there. He fires back with a "Adam we also don't need cynics in our company either" I apologized and asked him to continue. He promised me that by the time he was done I would have no other questions and that it was rude of me to ask anything to begin with. I said "fine show me what you have"

For the next hour he talked to me about e-commerce and how it works, and how its different from brick and mortar stores. He then tells me all the big businesses that his company works with and how if he buys enough product from these places he gets paid some money. He then switches gears and talks about how if I pay 170 I can be certified by his company and start businesses and help businesses on my own and I will be paid more money.

He was a master of talking for a long time without talking about anything at all.

After his whole presentation was up he said ok what did you think? And I said "honestly man there no real business plan here, this is like poorly executed ponzi scheme. you talked about e-commerce which had nothing to do with anything and then switched between being a group of consumers and door to door salesman. I'm I just don't understand what you do when you say you start and help businesses"

With ice cold eyes he stares at me and says "you know if you don't get what we do after all of this then your not smart enough to 1) understand how our business works 2) understand how the economy or any business works. We don't want someone like you with us." He then slams his laptop down on the table gives me the middle finger and says "f*&# you" and walks away.

At this time all the people at the cafe started to applaud me and one lady says "Its refreshing to see people not be swayed by that, I'm proud of you" she then bought me a coffee.

Sitting here now I still have no idea what he was even trying to sell me.

UPDATE: I remember one of the coporations this company is under and the name of it is Alticor...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ot31XhgE_XE

The worst dinner ever.....

I was bored today so I decided to go to my parents to enjoy a nice meal. Little did I know that they would be having company over. Being a pastors son I know how to work all sorts of dinners potlucks etc. This one meal really took the cake in my opinion. The guests were a previous meth head my parents counseled in Vincennes and his family.

I was one one end of the table and going counter clockwise from me was my little brother Noah, my mother, meth heads mother, my dad, meth head, meth heads aunt, and meth heads daughter. First off meth heads daughter was fugly, with the weirdest tattoo I have ever seen. Now I do not fully understand the appeal of tattoos but this one took the cake, it was a red medical cross with type one diabetes in a circle around it. It was in a very fancy cursive font normally reserved for mothers tattooing their kids names on them. Her body was also in the rare square type... she reminded me of Spongebob square pants. She also was rubbing my leg with her foot...I then started to ignore her. She then proceeded to tell me stories about anything and everything, even though I was not responding or looking at her. She then tried to get my attention by mentioning that she turns 18 in a week, I could see her winking at me in the corner of my eye as she told me that.

Meth heads aunt was talking about the Taliban and how much they hate our freedom the entire meal.

Meth head himself was talking to the wall about his travels as a truck driver... He might of been talking to one of us but none of us were paying any attention so I don't know.

Meth heads mom decided to tell us the history of Jack London and the books he has written. She talked about him like they were teenage lovers. She also told stories of how her father drowned. During desert her and my father had a "who takes more medication" pissing contest. I'm not sure who won really, my money is on the drug companies.

Out of all the people I could've seen from Vincennes it had to be a meth head and his weird family.

I hate farting after I get out of the shower because I feel all dirty again.

I was with my neighbor the other day and we started to watch the most peculiar show called "The Dr's". Its basically 5 Doctors all standing around in a big circle jerk saying "Oh wow you have a PHD? Guess what, I do to!" Since the all great Peoples Court was not on, that and we couldn't find the remote we decided to go ahead and just watch it. The episode I witnessed was an episode about the dangers of teen sex. To clarify their point they had about 15 young girls come up, all wearing cheap mascara so it would run when they cried, and had them tell their "horror stories" of teenage sex. This consisted of each one coming up and talking about how they somehow had no choice but to have sex with their boyfriends, like some-sort of testosterone voodoo was placed on these young tramps and they had no power to resist the wiener. After these future Hoosiers shared their stories one doctor looked out in horror, turned to the camera and said "I blame the internet".

Now, I'm not going to go into a rant about how our culture shifts the blame away from parental responsibility. Instead, I'm going to go the opposite direction and blame it on the real evil. In all my years I have seen people blame the moral decay of America on many things, but after some investigation I have discovered a shocking truth:


Books are to blame.


Ever since the printing press was invented, America, no, the whole world, has been riding on the highway that leads to apocalypse. How awesome were things before Gutenberg was possessed by the devil and created printing press? Believe it or not the printing press was a way to spread pickpocketing instructions to the gypsy's, then through gypsy magic the idea caught on. All the great evil in this world was caused by books. Did you know that Hitler wrote a book?! Did he use television radio or video games? The answer is he did not, which means that there is no logical way that T.V., The Internet, or even rock music are more evil than books!

If your familiar with American Idol you remember a contestant named Fantasia. Fantasia was special because she fought the system and refused to learn how to read, in return she was rewarded with winning American Idol. After she learned how to read however, she slipped into obscurity. Coincidence? I think not! Lets also take a look at the famous R. Kelly, Like Fantasia he also decided to excel in life by not being bound to the chains of books, he then became a superstar. Later on he learned how to read and do you know where that got him? He started pissing on underage girls, that's what! That's right blog fans, Reading too much causes you to pee on underage girls, all the evidence is there.

Lets also not forget about the church of evil: The library. It always makes me furious that some of my tax money has to go to a library. If I were in charge I would just make it so all of our money goes to rewarding our congressmen and woman for their fabulous work. Times are hard for them, we already give them free health care and they don't have to buy stamps, I don't think that's enough! But I digress.... People tell me "Adam books are great for sharing a wealth of information!" and to that I respond with a simple question, if they are so great at sharing information why can we not talk in library s? I will tell you why, they don't want the truth coming out that's why! Library's are more like prison camps if you ask me, George Orwell must be rolling in his grave right now....

You also might be asking if I feel this way why am I writing a blog? I'm fighting the system from the inside, I am basically a modern day Che Guevara, except I'm not a corporate advertising tool and featured on Gap T-shirts.

In conclusion, parents, the media, and everyone else are wrong when it comes to shifting the blame when a traumatic event happens. They need to blame it on the original source: Books.

Toe nails are really annoying take care of.

Now anyone who knows me knows that I have little or no

respect for women, they also know that I am a complete

judgemental snob. So, for this blog post I have decided to

combine my two personality flaws to share some advice with

you in what I creatively call: Top 5 ways to tell if your a dirty

woman.

1.)Blond roots.

There are two surefire ways to tell if a woman is compete

trailer trash; she is dating her cousin, she has really bad

blond roots.

(someone I can bring home to mom and dad)

Blond roots are caused by lice eating away at the Clorox

bleach you used to abort your hair, or you couldn't find enough

cans around town to recycle to buy a new gallon of Comet

powder.

2.)Back Boobs.

Before women turned into heartless gold diggers, they were

bratty little girls who dreamed of getting their first bra.

Unfortunately as the girls grew up they decided that a new bra

was not necessary. Somehow the thought killing two birds with

one stone and using the bra as a girdle was a fantastic idea!

(surprise surprise: its a ginger!)

In theory hugging a woman and fondling boobs at the same

time is a great idea, but in practice its more like drinking anti

-freeze because it looks just like kool-aid.

3.)You don't know who your baby daddy is.

Now sure Susy Slutskins is a nice person, but there comes a

time when being nice to 16 guys in a row every Friday is

pushing it. These were the girls in middle school who mixed all

the soda flavors together. 90% of these respectable women

think its perfectly acceptable to try and pull the sympathy

card, and we should feel sorry that her baby is such a

"buzz kill"

4.)Muffin tops.

Oh Fergie, ever since her man jaw decided to sing "my

humps" fat women everywhere decided that love handles

constituted as "lovely lady lumps". SPOILER ALERT: They don't.

(yes I know the top is cute, but unfortunately its not cute on you)

Luckily I've devised a helpful algorithm to help:

love handle+1in.=10(chance you will vomit+likely hood that she

fantasizes about doing nasty things to a fried chicken wing)

5.)Flower necklace around rear view mirror.

Now this one is one is obviously up for debate. There was a

point in time that Hawaiian necklaces in a car was a surefire way

to tell if a petite blond or a cheerleader was also in the car.

Unfortunately someone alerted the white trash and the ugly

people to this fact because slowly but surely they have been

using them and confusing poor male drivers. It's almost turned

into a sirens call, leading young sailors to a poor, ugly, pizza

face tramp.

(it's OK, it has a great personality)

There you have it, there are many many other ways to spot a

dirty woman, but hopefully this will set you on the right path.

Baby Adventure 2010!

The day has finally come. My baby sister gave birth to my baby nephew. After months of doctors appointments ultrasounds and diagrams *shudders* the doctors told Hannah "Your baby is freeloading off you, time for him to come out!" After driving Hannah and her husband to the hospital I decided to take some pictures.....

Hannah is angry because she wants to keep the baby in her belly.

She quickly changes her mind after I inform her that

her huge belly will disappear after baby is delivered.

Signing paperwork: Like a boss.

Before I move on let me just say that I never realized how attractive doctors are, Hannah's OBGYN is quite good looking along with her nurses, I want to be pregnant now.

Hannah signs more papers promising to love the

baby even if he is ugly.

This is where I spent most of my time watching a dog show.

Hannah and her husband share a moment.

Hannah, Gary, and Dr. Goodn'sexy laugh at the possibility

of me dating Dr. Goodn'sexy

They told me I had to leave the room for the actual delivery, which is fine. In my head it went something like this:

So it turns out that all babies come out white. At first

I thought the nurse was playing a joke on me.

Hannah thought it was a joke too, we both learned

something that day.

5lb's of badass.

As a gift I will teach baby everything I know

about the pimp game.

Nathan holding baby JaRon.

Through all if it I've learned that having a baby through all the troubles and uncertainties, is totally worth it.

I hate those boogers that stay in your nose and tickle it.

I have been on a glorious vacation this week not doing anything. I finally understand how lazy people do what they do! During this week of all around sloth-ness, I had the opportunity to watch a lot of movies, the one movie that took the cake though was: The Final Destination. 

 Up until I saw this abomination unto God the worst movie I have witnessed was “The Happening”. Don’t get me wrong, “The Happening” is still a sign that the America is in worst decay than we thought. The Final Destination is more like one of the horsemen coming to take your first born. 

IMDB tells me that this is the last movie of a trilogy, how anyone gave money to these hacks is beyond me; I’m sure someone on the film crew must give an awesome “back massage”.  

 

Anyways on to the actual movie….

The storyline is that a bunch of rich snobby indie hipster douches with trust funds are supposed to die at a Nascar race but somehow survived. The grim reaper, being the cunning bastard that he is, decides to give these horny degenerates the “Z-snap” by killing them in the most inefficient ways possible. The young adults then run around for the next hour and try to escape death and attempt to act. We find out halfway through the movie that death has it out for our young heroes because the main character is dating a ginger. Yes my 4 readers you read that right, this movie has a filthy ginger as a main character, and someone is attracted to her! How am I supposed to relate to someone who looks different than me? 

Ok, IMDB give a different outlook, but believe it or not my description made the movie sound 10x more awesome then it actually was.

I found the movie to be quite racist to be honest with you. When you have someone die in a movie it's a known fact that it has to be the black man! It's an unwritten rule, just like “it's never lupus” from house. The movie teases us with this angry alcoholic black man (of course the minority has to be the one with problems), whose only goal in life is to be the first one killed on this particular movie, yet some white Cracker Jack dies first. Like 15 whities die first, I am personally offended.  

 

Every character dies at the end. Yes that's a spoiler but you'll thank me because I just saved you 10 bucks and 2 hours of your meaningless lives.  The moral of the story: Don't date gingers or you will die! 

 

Winter is God giving us the middle finger.

Wow blog post number 2! I'm buying a gift now because I have completed a personal hurdle by not being as lazy as I thought I was! 

If you ask anyone what their favorite season is 90% of them will say “summer”. 5% of people will say spring which blows my mind because if the seasons were human; spring would be the awkward teenager not knowing what kind of person he would be. Should he be the sexy hot summer, or the ugly and unlikable winter? 1% of people like the fall which again is weird because leaves are dying….it's the most “emo” holiday.  Now to you 4% who like the winter, honestly you're lying to yourselves, no one actually enjoys the winter time. You may enjoy the first snow blanket as it molests the beautiful green grass that is on my lawn, but by Valentine's Day not one person likes it. Winter and snow are God giving us the middle finger.

 (Pictured: Winter!) 

 

I can vouch that this is 100% true. When you're relaxing on the beach trying to be as tan and beautiful as me, has anyone said “Damn I wish there would be a blizzard right about now, I can't stand this nice weather!” of course they haven't. Nothing is fun about shoveling snow and your car not starting. Snowballs to the face have the same “fun value” as a peroxide enema. I find it cruel irony that we have Jesus's birthday in the season where he is telling us that he hates us. 

While these are all arguments to support my findings, the real reason why I hate the winter time? I cant walk around without pants. 

The I's in narcissistic are talking about me.

I know what your thinking, your thinking “Adam, why start a blog?” and that's a very good question, that I will dedicate the first post to answering! 

Now since I have a blog I guess I should have some sort of larger goal; some huge purpose that I can manage on a weekly basis by writing? Perhaps the purpose of this blog is to share personal daddy issues that everyone seems to have, or a place to vent some sort of pent up anger? Instead of getting angry and instigating the inevitable fistfight, an angry “Oh man, just wait till I get home to blog about this!” could suffice. Hey, another idea is to sit in my comfy chair and complain about deep social issues with America and life in general and feel better about myself for doing absolutely nothing but writing to the Internet about it. Nothing says I'm important like a false since of self worth! Or maybe I really am that self-absorbed and I honestly think that people care about my opinion (SPOILER ALERT: They don't).

The answer to all these questions is a big resounding NO! I'm writing because I really am that bored.